If we'd hidden a bit better

There is nothing better than watching 30 Rock in your house on your new gigantic HD TV, curled up on your own couch, surrounded by Christmas decorations, with your cat warming your feet, and feeling absolutely content. I never know how long these things last but I'm digging them.

Going home for almost a month. A lot of times I forget where I am and what I'm doing until I realize that it's time to go back to where my life used to be. Seems like somebody else lived that life sometimes, doesn't it? She was so happy. I miss her a lot these days.

Definitely a good call, definitely the best thing to do. I finally got it right, even if it's something as small as meeting for lunch and catching up. I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to face him without realizing that I'm fooling myself, how could I be over it? But I am. I'm over it. I'm over him. I can't wait to see what happens next.

Oh, and:

"I love people. Everybody. I love them, I think, as a stamp collector loves his collection. Every story, every incident, every bit of conversation is raw material for me. My love's not impersonal yet not wholly subjective either. I would like to be everyone, a cripple, a dying man, a whore, and then come back to write about my thoughts, my emotions, as that person. But I am not omniscient. I have to live my life, and it is the only one I'll ever have. And you cannot regard your own life with objective curiosity all the time..."
-Sylvia Plath

This is either going to be a huge step in the right direction or a colossal disaster. I guess we'll see.

I realized tonight that it finally feels like I live here. Going in and out of my room and Rebecca & Jenna's, running to Springs to get coffee, posting up in the library. I feel okay going places alone and doing things on my own and while there's something great about all of these little things, they don't add up to enough. Something is still off, sort of sitting on the edge of this sheer cliff in the pit of my stomach, and I keep waiting for a strong shake to knock it down.

I'm determined to make it here, but don't you ever get tired of things making you sad?

Basically, my life is a million times easier when you're not in it. Stop cropping up when I've mostly forgotten you. Just stop whatever you're doing.

Such a good night. I laughed harder than I have in forever and I'm going to still be drunk tomorrow morning but I don't care. I told Andrew tonight that I liked him in high school, and he was cute and funny and nice about it, and all the shitty parts of it just sort of went away. That was nice. Stephen was hysterical tonight and while I like that he likes me, I don't like that his girlfriend was sleeping in his room. I don't like the he ignored her calls. I don't like that he made snide comments about the whole thing. I don't know about that.

Nights like tonight put everything into this box of happiness that's so easy to deal with. I wish it was always this way.

Everything is so cyclic. My high school history teacher always said that history is made up of patterns, and that it really does repeat itself. There are often different players and different catalysts, but the basic structure of the conflicts are always the same. I guess personal history is just the same way. Learning from my mistakes is impossible in a world filled with unavoidable destinies.

"I know I love you like the silvered gold of dying days.
I know I love you like an ancient history brought to life.
I know I love you like the sunlit water on your skin.
I know I love you like the million times I never said.

I know you love me like the silence of the turning earth.
I know you love me like the endless roar of modern life.
I know you love me like the laughter and the kissed back tears.
I know you love me like the past, the now, the coming years."


That's awfully pleasant.

There's nothing harder than realizing, while packing up your belongings for the umpteenth time, that you're not sure where your life is going or if you're going to make it another second without screaming.

Here's where I am. I just don't know.

It's on me, but you're not the only one who thought things sucked.


"You worry that if you lower your guard, even for one second, your whole world will disintegrate into chaos."
"You wait for fate to bring about the changes in life which you should be bringing about yourself."
-Douglas Coupland

Today I am thankful for the ability to love. Even if I don't like you, I love you for showing me what I can do and who I can be whether you're around or not.

Fuck everyone. Effort is wasted on most people and all I've heard today are promises that no one actually intends to keep. I am thoroughly sickened by humans right now.

I spent most of last night in the library, painfully aware of the boy who will never love me sitting a few tables over, getting no work done, and gossiping. It was not successful and I was not happy when I got back to the room. I didn't feel productive or confident or nice and that's a lot of bad to come away from the library with. After all, it's just a library. But then I woke up this morning and took a long shower, which I never do first thing in the morning anymore because I'm just too lazy, and I think I'm actually prepared for my test at 9:00 and I'm okay. I feel just fine. Every time the sun comes up it really is a brand new day, and if that's not a pleasant thought then I don't know what is.

I care about you too much to be allowed.

I feel like screaming.

"Everyone thought so."

Well. There's that. There you fucking go.

"You are young and life is long and there is time to kill today."

Just because I'm not the person you thought I was doesn't mean I'm not anyone at all.

C'est la vie. Fucking awesome. Really, I love the irony.

This song came on just now and all of sudden I was sitting in Jane's truck and it was freezing cold and we were both so upset by the boys we thought we gave a shit about. I feel like crying because I don't like remembering how badly some things hurt, and I don't like thinking that someday, sooner than I probably think, I'll be in someone else's car, listening to another song, thinking about how my heart is madly aching.



All I know is that you're so nice.
You're the nicest thing I've seen
I wish that we could give it a go,
See if we could be something.

I wish I was your favorite girl.
I wish you thought I was the reason you are in the world.
I wish my smile was your favorite kind of smile,
I wish the way that I dressed was your favourite kind of style.
I wish you couldn't figure me out but you'd always wanna know what I was about.

I wish you'd hold my hand when I was upset.
I wish you'd never forget the look on my face when we first met.

I wish you had a favourite beauty spot that you loved secretly because it was on a hidden bit that nobody else could see. Basically, I wish that you loved me.
I wish that you needed me.
I wish that you knew when I said two sugars actually, I meant three.

I wish that without me your heart would break.
Yeah, I wish that without me you'd be spending the rest of your nights awake.
I wish that without me you couldn't eat.
Yeah, I wish I was the last thing on your mind before you went to sleep.

Look, all I know is that you're the nicest thing I've ever seen.
And I wish we could see if we could be something.
Yeah, I wish we could see if we could be something.